Their aim is to promote diversity and cultural awareness as well as to “facilitate and encourage international students to have a better experience at Coventry University”.

Confessions

“A dark and brooding tale of revenge and redemption”, ‘Confessions’ strikes as a school play dramatisation of Crimewatch rather than a junior CSI: Tokyo.

Since its release in February 2011, it has won Best Film, Best Director, Best Screenplay and Best Editor at the 34th Japan Academy Prize.

It follows a journey revealing the truth behind the death of school girl Manami, with it being labeled ‘accidental’ by police. The truth, however, lies deeper and her murder holds 37 suspects- her “out of control” classmates. Manami’s mother sets out for twisted redemption against those responsible for her daughter’s death. 2 main culprits, ‘Student A’ and ‘Student B’, are targeted upon to face the wrath of a vengeful mother using homicidal methods such as poisoned cliche school milk.

Relatively short at just 106 minutes, it is an intriguing film which leaves the viewer without all the pieces until the very end, revealing truths and clues throughout. Any longer and it is questionable whether or not the subtitles would pose a great annoyance and distraction from the action- the typical issue surrounding foreign films.

Overall, the story itself is a psychological and black hearted affair (quite clearly seen in the still image chosen for the trailer above) which will itself appeal to only a certain minority; it is not near the extreme levels of the horror Saw series but neither is it Jungle Book in its execution. It is almost uncanny to contemplate the capabilities of school children to commit murder and this does detract from the authenticity and feasibility of the film’s topic. However, it is a thrilling drama which keeps the audience captivated for the, fortunately, short 106 minutes.

Big Tits Zombie

This not-so-subtle title offers no prizes for guessing the nature of the film. ‘Japan’ plus ‘breasts’ is always going to appeal to one, very specific, audience who are unlikely to be fazed by the lower than low budget of this film. However, neither would they be impressed as scenes are quite explicitly reused throughout and the term ‘special effects’ has never been used so loosely.

The story of the film is based upon the discovery of a book, within the depths of a strip club, which holds the potential to raise to the dead. The unfortunate reading of a particular passage leads to such an event. One may question just how many of the deceased are buried around the grounds of a strip club, the term “swings and roundabouts” springs to mind. It proceeds into a painful display of fake blooded fight scenes and the successful saving of the world and is in no way Armageddon in its approach. It is nothing more than 73 regrettably pitiful minutes of a primary school plot meeting an oriental gentleman’s club.

It can only be hoped that producers Seiji Minami and Hideaki Nishiyama and director and writer Takao Nakano had a tongue in cheek attitude towards the making of this film. It goes so far into being cheesy and cheap that it stretches beyond “characterful” and into the realms of “plain annoying”. It is, therefore, just like any other post apocalyptic, zombie-murdering rampage that Dawn of the Dead even did so questionably.

Gallants

Gallants is a comic take on the classic martial arts film, combining a few choice amusing scenes with the conventional oriental fighting style of kung fu.

It is a story of the overcoming of the villains, much like the way of Karate Kid. It follows a tale of a property dispute between a comatose kung fu master, student Chung Sang-mang and his crew against martial artist teahouse owners Tiger and Dragon.

The main criticism is the lack of variation in action within the film. A lack of special effects due to its low budget nature, although understandable and not entirely valid for criticism, lets the fight scenes suffer as there are only so many kung fu moves on offer. It would be an insult to say that the brilliant choreography makes the best of a bad job.

A last minute change in plot, the most substantial change being that of the subject of musicians changed to martial artists, strict casting restrictions and a shoot time of a mere 18 days is barely noticable as the film seems well held together. Music by Teddy Robin and Tommy Wai goes a long way to adding the thickness of the plot, creating the mood and increasing the understanding for the audience.

Overall, Gallants is a well choreographed film but will not challenge action-epitomising films such as The Expendables when it comes to the all important fight scenes. A bigger budget will have allowed the film to reach out further, although into more substantial and competitive fields. As such, it has made the most of what was on offer.

Vettel extended his lead to 24 points over second-standing Button who comfortably claimed the number two spot of the podium. McLaren teammate Hamilton slipped down to seventh following a late stop for fresh tyres. An impressive third was achieved by the quick Nick Heidfeld.

First corner drama saw front-of-the-pack challenges from both Renaults, though Petrov suffered a spine-shattering “aerial incident” on lap 53 which saw a broken steering rack, thus ending his race.

Despite a lack of rain, the Pirellis served up plenty of pit stops and changed the leader of the race multiple times. Nobody seemed safe at the front, not even the increasingly vulnerable Vettel. Hamilton appeared to be catching at one stage, then the KERS-less Red Bull set the times alight once again.

Ferrari looked equally competitive in the race after a disappointing qualifying with Massa and Fernando finishing fifth and sixth respectively. Alonso endured contact with a struggling Hamilton leading to a pit stop for a new front wing. “It cost me maybe a podium today, but we will try again”, Alonso said post-race. Hamilton appeared unscathed from the incident, though with only a few laps to go his tyres fell off the ‘cliff’ and he was forced to pit.

Webber clearly suffered the most – a slow start dropped him down to ninth while KERS was unavailable the whole race long. He was lucky to pick up fourth place to gain crucial points in the early stages of the season.

Kobayashi, Schumacher and di Resta filled out the top ten, the Scot ouperforming his experienced teammate once again.

Driving misdemeanors resulted in a 20 second penalty for Alonso- from causing a collision, and Hamilton- making two defensive moves. Hamilton’s revised place, post-race, was eighth while Alonso remains in sixth.

Both of Williams’ and HRT’s cars are yet to complete a full race distance in 2011, heading doubts over their reliability.

Sebastian Vettel will be looking to continue his 100 per cent record in China next weekend. However, McLaren has made serious gains and is hungry for victories.

 1.  Vettel        Red Bull-Renault           1h37:39.832
 2.  Button        McLaren-Mercedes           +     3.261
 3.  Heidfeld      Renault                    +    25.075
 4.  Webber        Red Bull-Renault           +    26.384
 5.  Massa         Ferrari                    +    36.958
 6.  Alonso        Ferrari                    +    57.248
 7.  Kobayashi     Sauber-Ferrari             +  1:07.239
 8.  Hamilton      McLaren-Mercedes           +  1:09.957
 9.  Schumacher    Mercedes                   +  1:24.896
10.  Di Resta      Force India-Mercedes       +  1:31.563
11.  Sutil         Force India-Mercedes       +  1:45.000
12.  Rosberg       Mercedes                   +     1 lap
13.  Buemi         Toro Rosso-Ferrari         +     1 lap
14.  Alguersuari   Toro Rosso-Ferrari         +     1 lap
15.  Kovalainen    Lotus-Renault              +     1 lap
16.  Glock         Virgin-Cosworth            +    2 laps
17.  Petrov        Renault                    +    4 laps

Brev. M are a Californian based producer of bicycle components aimed at the modern urban fixed gear rider. A quick visit to their website will tell you they care for form and function; not only does the part have to look good but it also has to perform.

Their saddles are more than a nod to the famous and thoroughly imitated Selle Italia Turbo and San Marco Concor, but with prices at around £20 they are a fraction of the classics’ £49.99 and £74.99 asking prices. Though for some, only the authentic will do.

The aptly named ‘classic saddle’ tested was a joy to ride on; it offered firm yet comfortable support where needed coupled with compliance over the road’s discrepancies. Having ridden the Selle Italia Turbo, the Brev. M classic saddle does no more and no less than the product it mirrors so closely. Save the £30.

Like many of Brev. M’s products the flat bars are available in a spectrum of colours, making it easier to coordinate to your taste and bike. It is entirely obvious that the handlebars are not aimed at those looking to put the miles in, they are aimed squarely at the fixed gear rider looking to filter through those small gaps in the traffic.

At only 500mm long, the flat handlebars will leave many riders cramped and uncomfortable in the cockpit. Why not make a longer handlebar and allow the rider to cut them down at their own discretion? Furthermore, with a clamp size of 25.4 and no oversized option available, they will be excluding a large market proportion who will favour stiffness and greater interchangability between their modern parts. However, although they may be heavy, we’ll call them strong as the weight lends to a quality and sturdy feel. The finish of the bars appears to be above average with a glossy and bright finished left undamaged by carefully tightened brake lever clamps. If only they were oversized …

The flange grips take similar design cues from another rival product, this time the ever-popular Oury grips, but alternatively employs a triangular grip pattern. Available in as many colours as its famous counterpart with yet again an undercut in price, it seems a bit of a no-brainer unless the brand name is a must have.

The soft rubber and deep grooves of the flange grips offer the great comfort needed. When performing trackstands which put alot of pressure on the hands, they are a welcome relief from under-taped bullhorns and worn foam grips we subject ourselves to. On hand-heavy tricks or longer rides tiresome palms seem a world away.

Brev. M seem to have achieved their goal of producing good looking and seemingly bomb-proof components. However, their handlebars in particular suffer from a lack of compatibility with the oversized stems which are increasingly becoming the norm in the cycling world. They have proven that they can do retro reincarnations well but they seem to lack originality which could push them forwards with innovative and stylish products of their own. If you aren’t hung up on brand image and are looking to save a few pounds on good quality and tough components, look to Brev. M.

The reigning champion took a comfortable win ahead of a hampered Hamilton in second and Russian Vitaly Petrov in third. He now leads the drivers’ championship with 25 points to continue the success of himself and his team enjoyed last season.

Always proving first corner excitement, the Albert Park track saw a commanding Vettel lead from the start with team mate Webber challenging Hamilton for the second spot. The Brit managed to hold off Australian Webber’s moves on his home turf while fellow McLaren driver Jenson Button slipped back to sixth behind Petrov and Massa respectively.

Post-race, Button dubbed Massa as “so slow” after failing to pass the Brazilian the whole race through. His closest point came at lap 10 where a defensive Massa drove him off the track, effectively leading to a controversial drive-through penalty for the Brit. The ‘drag reduction system’ (DRS), new for this season, largely failed in its purpose to create more overtaking opportunities, frustrating Button.

Mark Webber was unable to match team mate Vettel’s pace over the entire race weekend and eventually finished in fifth place.

Rookie Sergio Perez for the Sauber-Ferrari team finished seventh place on his debut grand prix, in front of his more experienced team mate Kamui Kobayashi in eighth. However, both drivers were later disqualified after an infringement on the technical regulations of the car. This promoted Felipe Massa and Sebastien Buemi while introducing the two Force India cars of Adrian Sutil and rookie Brit Paul di Resta into the points. All four Mercedes’ and Williams’ were unable to finish the race due to race damage and reliability issues.

The biggest surprise of the race came from Renault’s Vitaly Petrov. His first podium in only his 20th grand prix and second season in the sport highlighted him as one of the upcoming stars of the future. This came in light of the team’s unfortunate absence of lead driver Robert Kubica ahead of his rallying accident in February.

Lewis Hamilton’s race efforts were perhaps the most admirable, still managing to finish second on the podium after a significantly damaged floor of the car resulting in reduced aerodynamic performance.

“I think we can definitely take this and be very proud of ourselves,” Hamilton said post-race.

The next race takes place on April 10th in Malaysia.

Writer of the most popular children’s shows of more recent years, Andrew Davenport’s visit covered the Teletubbies, In the Night Garden, his new up-and-coming children’s show and the changed face of kids’ TV.

Davenport, creative director of Ragdoll Productions, was born in Folkestone, Kent in 1965 with his debut production of Teletubbies and In the Night Garden airing 32 and 42 years later respectively. All 365 Teletubbies episodes and the 100 In the Night Garden episodes were created by him, winning him multiple BAFTAs and Royal Television Society awards for his producing, composing and writing of his creations. This resulted in his rather apt nickname of ‘the JK Rowling of the under-5s’.

He hails from a heavily drama orientated background, often starring in his co-creations such as 90′s classic Brum. He studied Speech Sciences at University College London whilst president of their Drama Society in 1986 and ’87. This lead to his setting up of a shared theatre company upon graduation.

Teletubbies began life in 1997, featuring four brightly coloured characters with TVs in their tummies. Tinky Winky was the biggest and also the eldest of the Teletubbies, himself coloured purple. Dipsy is the green furred, stubborn, non-conformist of the four. Laa-Laa is identifiable as being the yellow Teletubby with the curly antenna, she is also the dancer and more musical than the others. Finally, Po is small and the youngest of the Teletubbies, often found acting mischievously.

It went on to be aired in 46 different nations. Based in a field in Stratford-upon-Avon, the Teletubbies lived in a pristine meadow-like garden with a grassy Biodome-esque living space. A periscope-like PA system sprouted from beneath the earth and announced to them what to do and what time it was. ”The landscape of Teletubbies is designed to be pregnant with possibilities”, Davenport explains.

“They were a playful construct and a silly type of person, speaking and behaving like one”, hence their childish manner of conversing in their trademark “eh-oh” fashion. However, it was all in a relevant and thought out way.

The Teletubbies were based on a narrative of a child’s perception of the world, featuring cues that only they would understand. They performed actions reflecting those of children’s at the pre-school age they were targeted at. Running around, laughing and rolling on the floor were particular reflective characteristics of children portrayed by the Teletubbies.

Davenport’s inspiration for the show came from quite an unlikely source:

“One of the things that fascinated me about NASA spacemen is that there’s all this high technology involved inputting a spaceman inside a space suit, and sending him up into space and landing him on the moon and it’s the most advanced technological thing that ever happens. When they climb out they look like toddlers toddling around a new world for the first time. There’s a sort of absurd kind of enjoyable irony in that.”

However, it didn’t attract the positive attention it perhaps deserved in its early life. A series of complaints was launched by parents with 19 describing it as silly and infantile, 33 describing it as insulting (you may wonder how) and many more with equally trivial reasoning behind them. It appeared that parents found it difficult to accept that it was aimed without them in mind. It lacked things that they could appreciate and instead was aimed squarely at children with their developing minds and perceptions of the world. This was, remember, a time largely before films and shows such as ‘Shrek’ which included humour and cues appreciable by both parents and children. Davenport argued that: “None of these complaints were coming from its intended audience.”

The characters’ unique way of talking was also subject to parental complaint. They argued that children were copying their ways of conversing, particularly “eh-oh” as a way of saying hello. However, Davenport addresses this, pointing out that children must already understand the correct way of saying ‘hello’ to be able to imitate his characters in such a way. This means that they are having no adverse effects on the linguistic development of children. He likened it to a “different way of greeting a traffic warden to a loved one… probably”. Having had university education in Speech Sciences and interviewing linguists, nursery teachers and young children when making the show, Davenport cannot be accused of being uninformed. After all, parents of 1969 could hardly have been worried that their Clanger-loving kids would begin communicating in short whistles.

Perhaps the largest controversy surrounding the Teletubbies was the schema circulating around the Tinky Winky character. Being purple in colour and with a triangular antenna, many people considered Tinky Winky to possess Gay Pride references, reinforced by the character’s acquisition of a red ‘handbag’. Controversy erupted when misguided American right-winger, Jerry Falwell, former spokesman of America’s Moral Majority, dubbed the character to be “role modelling the gay lifestyle” and was “damaging to the moral lives of children”. The Teletubbies have since never escaped from such absurd and farcical accusations. It is even questionable whether children are aware of sexual orientation at the innocent age of three, let alone capable of imitating the purple and triangular nature of a television character. Teletubbies have no sexual preference, they are Teletubbies.

Makka Pakka - In the Night Garden

Davenport’s most recent creation is In the Night Garden which ran from March 2007 – March 2009. Costing £15 million, it was aimed at children of a more matured mind than Teletubbies, perhaps a year or two older and post pre-school with regards to difference of target audience.

“In the Night Garden is for the age slightly after [the Teletubbies] where we know enough about the physical world to enjoy the idea of turning the whole world on its head.”

Its objective also differed from that of Teletubbies, instead aiming to entertain and relax its children viewers. Producer Anne explained that they “wanted to explore the difference between being asleep and being awake from a child’s point of view: the difference between closing your eyes and pretending to be asleep and closing your eyes and sleeping.”

Where the Teletubbies was about acquiring knowledge of the world around and creating an accurate perception of life, In the Night Garden was more about developing beyond this and, rather than thinking what is, imagining what could be.

“I wanted to give the whole thing the feeling of a living picture book as if it were an authored piece as opposed to a piece of television. I thought the best way to try and create that picture book was by working with drawings.”

With traditional children’s story books in mind, the narrative voice of Sir Derek Jacobi went some way in bringing this comparison to life.

“When we approached Derek Jacobi, I never thought he’d say yes. I just couldn’t imagine him agreeing to say “mikka, makka, moo”. But he did and it’s great that children can hear his kind of voice. It gives the show such weight”, explains Davenport.

Executive producer Anne Wood describes him as having “a very grandfatherly voice, which really suited what we were looking for.

I’ve never worked with anyone who is so brilliant with his voice. He doesn’t make it twee and that’s vital. It’s been so wonderful to have him as part of the show.”

Davenport and Wood were both keen to include parents in In the Night Garden, in reflection to their negative reception to Teletubbies the first time around. Clever and inventive use of characters, particularly the Pontipines, helped achieve this. The Pontipines are a family of tiny peg dolls who live together and are stop-start animated. The nature of the characters are a particular nod to story characters from the childhoods of the parents while the method of animation is a more low-tech method which would also be more familiar, a juxtaposition to the high definition that In the Night Garden is filmed in.

Davenport describes the other stars of the show as: “alot of eccentric, self-determined characters defined by what they do.” They are the energetic Igglepiggle, optimistic Upsy Daisy, musical and unfortunately-attired Tombliboos, small statured Makka Pakka and the 40 foot high Haahoos (really), among others.

Davenport was tight lipped in giving details on his new children’s project, though did explain that it was another pre-school orientated idea, much like the Teletubbies. He will be looking at expanding to different platforms with opportunities laying in his many talents. With composing and writing particular fortes of his, one may speculate a more literary and musical future ahead.

He then lead to the topic of modern children’s television in general: “We are not seeing a proportional rise in funding,” highlighting the fact that there are more children’s television channels than ever before, but with a “gravitation towards cheaper content”.

If you keep producing these brilliantly original ideas, Andrew, you’re sure to receive all the funding you’ll ever need.

The full Coventry Conversation of Andrew Davenport can be heard here:

CovConsAndrewDavenport.mp3

Among others, such figures as ‘Macintyre Undercover’ series star Donal Macintyre, ‘The Secret Policeman’ Mark Daly and ex-Sunday Times editor Sir Harold Evans visited Coventry University to discuss the past, present and future conditions of investigative journalism.

Kevin Marsh

Presenting the event, titled ‘Investigative Journalism – Dead or Alive’, was Kevin Marsh- executive editor of the BBC College of Journalism.

Paul Lashmar introduced a scene-setting fact as one of the first speakers to contribute to the discussion: the 1980s saw around 150 working investigative journalists, 2008 saw “fewer than 90″. Compared to 30 years ago, the numbers have dwindled somewhat. So, it may not be dead, but is it dying? Apparently not, says Lashmar who nods to the recent WikiLeaks as a contemporary example of investigative journalism making big headlines. Although it can’t be considered a “Watergate moment”, “it’s drawn more people to investigative journalism than I’ve seen in donkeys years”, he adds.

Joining the talk shortly after was Donal Macintyre, one of the most well-known and respected investigative journalists of more recent years. His dedication to the job subjected him to be undercover for months at a time, fitting Eamonn Matthews’ description of investigative journalists as “living in cellars and not washing”, himself an award winning executive producer of Channel 4′s ‘Unreported World’.

Macintyre’s television documentary ‘Macintyre Undercover’ ran from 1999 – 2003, exposing notorious football hooligans and brutal care homes along the way, describing it as a “window into a world that otherwise people would not be able to see”.

The investigative guru commented that the state of today’s journalism is of a “better and tighter quality” and was optimistic that investigative journalism is still alive and well. He defended his own, now deceased, show as being “more in the public interest and less about making good television”, therefore lending it to quality journalism, particularly his documentary of his expose of the Kent care home.

Professor Tim Lockhurst lead the discussion to the modern stumbling block that investigative journalism faces; “[failure] is not an option in this day and age considering the budgets we have”. The ‘Macintyre Undercover’ series, consisting of three programs, are reported to have cost £2.5 million and two years to produce. Without the guaranteed success of investigative journalism, program makers are becoming increasingly hesitant to give time for labour and money intensive efforts which may bare no fruits. “We are not able to push [investigative journalism] as much as we used to”, adds Panorama investigative reporter and multiple RTS Award winner John Ware.

Sir Harold Evans, Sunday Times editor 1967-81 during the Thalidomide case, then proceeded to take centre-stage, offering his advice and words of legendary wisdom to aspiring young journalists in the audience. “You must learn how to report and check basic facts,” he began. “Learn to hold a sword before putting on the armour of investigative journalism.” “Follow something avidly, ask questions and don’t take no for an answer” he respectfully concluded.

City University’s course director of MA in Investigative Journalism, Rosie Waterhouse, followed Sir Harold Evans adding that aspiring investigative journalists should “have a nose for something not quite right”. “A genuine desire to get to the truth” and an “interest in people” are also important attributes to hold. Waterhouse claimed that investigative journalism is very much alive and well with her students the “living proof” of being its next generation, giving the impression that her contribution to the intellectual discussion was no more than shameless advertising of her course.

Developing Bob Woodward’s declaration that “investigative journalism has been reborn in a new age and is here to stay” was Professor Tim Lockhurst, informing the audience of the collaboration between old and new journalistic techniques. The modern day has given investigative journalists “new tools” yet they “still require the ability to perform shorthand at 100 words per minute”.

Bob Woodward is one of the most influential and famous investigative journalists in the history of the field, being half of the team to uncover the Watergate scandal and forcing the resignation of President Nixon in 1974.

Speaking on the methods of investigative journalism, ‘Secret Policeman’ Mark Daly said: “Secret filming has become over-used, it should be the last resort.” Use of the method became Donal Macintyre’s Achilles’ heel; after the televising of his undercover series he was eventually recognised for his efforts and effectively forced out of practise.

The 3 and a half hour discussion highlighted the changing face of investigative journalism over the years. Unanimously, it was clear from Coventry Conversations’ latest speakers that investigative journalism is still alive. Though in a very different form from the Watergate years, it remains as prevalent and useful as ever.

Ferrari have now decided to christen their car the 150° Italia after American manufacturer Ford threatened to sue following trademark infringements. The Italian team originally named their 2011 contender the F150, to celebrate the 150th anniversary of the unification of Italy, though Ford claimed this would confuse buyers of their F-150 pickup. Ferrari then proceeded to rename their car the F150th Italia, though the decals mustn’t have been sticky enough …

Well, they are both red ...

It was inevitably time that mankind would tire out supplies of acronyms, but are Ferrari really justified in their pompous labelling of Ford and its market, on its official website of all places, as “the thickest of people”. If Ford had already dropped their lawsuit following Ferrari’s relatively low-key name-change, why then change the name of their 2011 F1 car for a third time? This must only be due to Ferrari having lacked the testicular fortitude to let loose like this before Ford had let them off the hook.

However, it is entirely agreeable that one would find it near-impossible to confuse a pickup truck with a modern Formula 1 car, with about the only similarity being the occurrence of four wheels on both. It spells the time that car manufacturers must use their bitter rivalry to produce brilliant spectatorship rather than trivial lawsuits. 1963, for example, saw the dawn of a new era of motor racing when Henry Ford was bitterly angry at Enzo Ferrari; they will be spinning in their graves at the dispute facing their companies 48 years on.

And also, if Alonso manages to win as many times as Ferrari have changed its name, they may even be able to win something for once.

Invited to craft his magic at Coventry’s Transport Museum was Ian Cook, an artist renowned for his rather unfamiliar way of painting his pictures. Where most artists prefer to pick up brushes and a palette, Ian instead opts for remote control cars- seemingly the last things that spring to mind.

Inner-child shining through

Ian’s techniques may have evolved to become more sophisticated and honed in the past three years of working, but his methods remain largely unchanged from the Honda he started with first in 2008; the majority use his original idea of driving the cars across paint, though he also uses toy wheels and real tyres to get the effects he longs for. He has since captured countless motoring favourites in his work, from British Formula 1 world champion Lewis Hamilton to the humble Fiat 500. When starting out, a painting would take him around five hours to complete. “It can take five times as long to do a piece of the same size [now]“, Ian informs.

It'll come out in the wash

Cook’s latest piece features the “77RW” E-Type, the very one which Jaguar test driver Norman Dewis famously drove 600 miles from Coventry to Geneva in 11 hours- a near-impossible feat on today’s roads. Watching it come together bit by bit was a joy to behold. You could sense the character jumping out of the paper from the first tracks of the remote control cars to the last. Overall, the beautiful E-Type took around 11 hours to reach its finish. Reflecting on the car upon near-completion, Ian agreeably commented that it “captures the shape and the speed” of the original.

Smurf-son... Simps-urf...

He vows to continue performing his pantings “as long as there is a demand and people get a buzz out of it. [I like] rocking up somewhere and changing the space”, Ian said.

One strange question entered the mind as you looked at Ian with his painted yellow feet and blue racing overalls- if Pappa Smurf were a Simpsons character, what would he look like?

Finished painting via webcam stream

Everyone fails to notice Mark Webber breaking his neck as he comes painfully (quite literally) close to clinching the drivers’ championship crown yet again.

Vitaly Petrov gains another sponsorship deal, this time from comparethemarket.com, securing his otherwise unjustified place in the paddock.

Felipe Massa claims all rights to the phrase “for sure”, a television is smashed every time someone says it without permission.

Rubens Barrichello continues to blame his ex-team mate for his season-long failures despite being nowhere in sight.

Michael Schumacher is officially the slowest man on the grid despite unshakable confidence. He looks forward to title contention in 2012.

June 12th, Montreal. Robert Kubica can quite literally smell his one and only race victory.

After winning the Australian Grand Prix, Lewis Hamilton is arrested by Melbourne police for oversteering too much into turn 3. Meanwhile, “Don’t be a dickhead” continues to mean nothing to a certain Spaniard.

Fans chant “Why the long face?” after Alonso fails to make it past the back-markers, despite much angry fist shaking.

Jake Humphrey leaves his role in order to make the time to present every other BBC programme.

Formula 1 is renamed “Lotus Cup” after a third Lotus branded team spontaneously enters the sport.

Eddie Jordan releases his own branded label of designer shirts. Sales flop.

Sir Richard Branson enjoys dressing up as an air stewardess so much that he quits Formula 1 and takes up the job full-time.

Drivers continue to get ever younger and Nicole Scherzinger’s baby wins the drivers’ championship from within the womb.